It was a calm night when John Serpent was in view of the extraction zone. This was where he was supposed to meet the contact, a defecting scientist from the enemy militant group Gearhead. Normally John would have left this kind of task to someone else, but the defecting agent was someone special. John was to meet the the primary man responsible for the almost complete destruction of his squad nine years ago - Hue Einstein. And although one of the surviving members of the squad Zak Mills had tried to talk him out of allowing Hue back into the squad, stating that Hue couldn't be trusted, John acted against his better judgement and decided to help Hue defect.
As John sat thinking about the past he saw a figure approaching. It was Hue. Suddenly, all the pain from the events nine years ago came flooding back, but John held his composure. Hue was the first to speak, "You look different John ." Not wanting to make small talk John replied "It's time to go." John then put a black bag over Hue's head and searched him for tracking devices in order to make sure Hue still wasn't in contact with Gearhead.
John then led Hue three miles to where the truck that would take them back to base was waiting. Before entering the truck Hue spoke up "I know you don't trust me John , but I want to clear my name from what happened nine years ago. I want to prove that I didn't betray the squad." John was silent, but he hoped the scientist's words were truthful. On the trip back to base John thought back on all the good Hue had done as a member of their squad, and somewhat sadly he also knew that even if Hue hadn't been the one to betray them things would never be the same. And another thought still sat at the back of his head. What if Zak was right and Hue couldn't be trusted?
Author's notes: This story is based on "The Crocodile and the Monkey's Heart" in which the crocodile tries to trick the monkey into climbing onto his head so he can bring the monkey's heart to his wife so she can eat it. My take on the story is about two old comrades who are reunited after one of them allegedly betrayed the squad. This story, however, is not so black and white as it is never revealed if Hue did betray the squad, and it ends with John possibly remaking the same mistake.
Bibliography. "The Crocodile and the Monkey's Heart" from Eastern Stories and Legends by Maries L. Shedlock source
Hey Caleb! I’m glad I got to read your story. Since it’s been a couple weeks since I read the original, it was nice to come at the story with fresh eyes. I love the wartime premise because it makes the character tension very immediate and dramatic. I really want to know if Hue can be trusted or not! I do think you could experiment with the format and break your paragraphs up a bit to make the story easier on the eyes. It could also help increase the pacing, and your readers’ eyes won’t miss any of your story’s details. I enjoyed reading this!
ReplyDeleteHi Caleb! You had such an interesting take on the story and it definitely left me wanting more. I think you could really run with idea later on with a microfiction version explaining what Hue had done, if he actually had done it, and if Dave was making the same mistake. You left this story with so many possibilities of growth which is very exciting. One comment I would have to make about your story is not necessarily on the context or substance of the story but rather the format. It might be beneficial for you to break up your story differently sectioning out the dialogue. This may help your story appeal more to the reader's natural eye and way of reading. Overall though a really fun story to read and I do hope that you continue on with it as I can tell Erin is also a fan and is intrigued by where you have taken your version of the story.
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